When You Both Desire and Reject His Sword
Feb 05, 2024
For women on the devotional love path, one of the most nuanced aspects, is that we both thirst for his masculine firmness, lead, and primality, as well as have an all-body allergic reaction when he *penetrates* us with his sword - his no, his assertiveness, and his leadership.
This can very much look and feel like:
"Oh I want him to...(take charge of this tax situation and leave me out of it, demand that raise from his boss, slap me in the butt when I'm misbehaving and throw me in bed, etc)."
But when he is actually in his sword energy...
We collapse. We put up armors. We resist and fight back.
All and all, we don't feel safe with the highly electrifying zapping currents that run through our bodies, when he is in his unapologetic and primal maleness.
Here’s the truth when it comes to this immense invitation that many women are experiencing, of both desiring and rejecting his sword:
How you want him to show up, is never how he is going to show up.
“I want a masculine man who’s also a spiritual teacher and can lead retreats with me” is something I often hear.
Ah, the subtle devotional disguise from our feminine ego’s self-entitled need of “I so desire for the Warrior King in him to rise!” (For me).
Many of the women I’ve worked with have spent more time than they care to admit consuming content from masculine accounts on social media, and have formed a rather one-dimensional and formulaic view of how their men *should* step into their masculine leadership.
There was a very humbling moment in my own journey a couple of years ago, when I realized, I know nothing about what it means to be a man with his raging testosterone and his ever-present need to prove himself to the world. Therefore, I am simply not qualified to teach what masculine leadership should and shouldn’t look like.
The truth about his masculine primality, is that you (and I) have absolutely no say in how he chooses to show up in his sword and containment for us, and what his rite of passage of stepping into his Kingship will look like. (This is, within the context of a committed relationship where the man and the woman are devoted to one another).
It can look like him not gratifying your most immediate desire of “I need you to do this for me.”
Or him putting an end to a silly argument you are ready to invest the next hour of your life into, to prove you are right.
Or him walking away.
It will most likely NOT be soothing to your pride, or satisfying to your ego.
In fact, it may just be downright jarring, activating, and shocking to every cell of your feminine system like that time when you accidentally touched a wet plug. Mixed with a healthy dose of (rightful) fear, not ever for your safety, but from a reverence for the erected maleness in him.
And, should you choose to drop underneath your pride and defenses (the choice, IS the initiation into your own feminine mastery and whole-ing, every time), you will find your own *need* to submit to being stripped down, stripped bare, euphorically dismantled, and devotionally descended - into the pulsing wetness and swollen-ness of your soul and your sex.
Into the primality of your woman.
Into the wellspring of your eros.
Into the deliciousness of a thousand deaths to that flimsy and fragile mental construct of “I need to him to be...for me.” Replaced by, “I. Need. Him.”
'Tis the terrifying and glorious path of our feminine descent, into the womb and the heart, where we meet the death of the former version of “me,” and midwife the wild, sensual, primal, and ecstatic feminine being who is all consumed by love, from our own ashes.
